Farewell 2009

Our year in a nutshell:

Skiing and built/slept in an igloo

Ryan continued to preach at Adamsville Presbyterian Church.

They have blessed us so much!

Mother's/"Mother's-to-be" Day

First Anniversary

Fun get-togethers with friends

Completed my first year of teaching

It's a boy!

July 4th

New Mexico Vacation with Dad and Lisa

Pregnant with my best friend

Bought a new car!

Jack's Baby Shower given by our sweet church

Welcome Jackson Forest Arnold

Change

I am writing my first blog as a mom as my son sleeps peacefully in my lap. I'm a mom. Really? Jack's presence in our home and family has become normal, but me, a mom? This has not sunk in. My friend Autumn asked me a question regarding our child: "Did you know such love existed?" Not at all. I need only to look at him and my heart floods.

Jack is 6 weeks old. This tiny (but growing-all-too-fast) baby has changed our world in the most natural way. The spare bedroom has changed into a nursery, the recliner in our living room has changed into a glider, my purse has changed into a diaper bag, our daily routine has changed into a feeding schedule- not to mention all the diaper changes.

The biggest change I have noticed though is in me. My son who is completely dependent on his parents for survival has challenged me more spiritually than anyone I've ever met. The flashing urgency alarm to live my life as an example has changed the way I think, pray, and see the world. It is up to us to live as the kind of person we pray he will become. The stakes have never been so high. My recent spiritual growth has been a direct result of this bar being raised. How refreshing it is to be watered after experiencing drought.

We have been blessed beyond measure.

This familiar hymn offers my sentiments exactly:

Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

The peaceful sleeper has now awaken and seems to be famished!

Language

The following message has been proofread and approved by my husband. I tell you that because this post includes a personal conversation we recently had.

My heart was sad for a bit because Ryan told me he didn’t know me spiritually. From that comment until the re-do conversation, we were unaware that we were stuck in miscommunication land. I heard what he said, not what he meant. This happens doesn’t it? For any conversation, the gap between what is heard and what is intended is a deep, jagged gorge that can either become a scar or grow the relationship.

First, honesty and grace are crucial. This was cleared up because I asked him about it again after spending some time in thought. He quickly reassured me of my misunderstanding and re-interpreted. He wants to know me better spiritually; deeper. By comparison, these two comments are night and day to me and unmistakably, the second draws me to his heart. I’m so glad I brought this back up even though it was difficult.

Second, I cannot think about this interaction with my husband- how simply I might misunderstand the person I am closest to- and not wonder- just how often does this happen and never become known? Added to our communication possibilities is the entire human race trying to understand and be understood. I am thankful that God looks at the heart. If God only listened to what we said and not what we meant, one might wonder why God ever speaks to us in the first place. The Lord’s grace transcends the gap of reality and intention- even when we do not return the same gracious understanding. We are so quick to assume God should have stopped or changed a situation simply because he could have.

Third, I cannot think about this potential interaction with God and not wonder just how often does this gap occur when I am supposedly speaking to others on God’s behalf. What must it be like for God to watch people be led astray- either intentionally or unintentionally- by other people proclaiming to know God and to know his will? What if they say something that can be misunderstood?

Broken relationships based on misunderstandings break my heart because it didn’t have to be that way. The only suggestion I can plead for on behalf of the misunderstood is honesty and grace. People must be willing to face the one they have been confused or hurt by even though they may find it was intentional. This is scary for those of us that retreat in the face of confrontation, but the alternative of brokenness is much worse. On the other hand, if we are the “confusor”, we must be approachable. How else can a broken spirit have the courage to come to us and beg for re-interpretation?

I thank the Lord that amidst all the confusion and gaps that exist in human interaction, he is constant and approachable even though he need not explain himself to us.

Pray for C

Waco ISD 7th grade students are at home tonight feverishly preparing their backpacks and school supplies, laying out their outfits, and finishing their summer novels they have been reading for enjoyment- stoked about the first day of school tomorrow. Ok that may be more than a little optimistic but it's my dream world so I can pretend whatever I want. This time last year, I felt like a cat who just found out it had been forced to join the swim team. One year later, first-day-of-school eve is almost an exciting feeling. I am looking forward to applying everything I learned through trial and error last year. I feel ahead of the game instead of desperately trying to catch up. What a wonderful difference!

All that said, I am still faced with the same nervous jitters my students will probably be feeling the weight of as they primp in front of the mirror tomorrow morning. The unknown is so intimidating. However, sometimes the known can be equally intimidating. We (the teachers) received our class schedules last Thursday and there are already names of students jumping off the page at me because they will be returning to my classroom this year. As can probably be assumed, my repeat offenders on my list were not my kindest, most scholastic students last year. The thought of spending another year with them must be approached as a mere challenge set before me and presented as a goal: I didn't get you the first time around, but I have another chance. One student stands out in particular. (For the sake of confidentiality and professionalism, he will be affectionately referred to as "C".)

C is a hard person to love. He turned 16 last year and he is still in the 7th grade. He was a constant disrespectful distraction in my classroom. He cussed me out more than once, tore up a test and threw it in my face, walked out of class, and displayed a disregard for human kind in general. He is the kind of person you want to write off completely. At times I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and announce that I am finished. "If you don't care, then neither do I."
I have been told that many first year teachers cry often. I don't think I am any tougher than these, but I only cried once last year- thinking about C. I was thinking about how this is his life. This is not his practice round; he really is growing up this way and it is so sad.
After my many encounters with C, I realized that he had taught me more about Jesus than any Sunday school class or Bible study I have ever been a part of. If there was ever a student who needed my help, it's him. I am willing to give it. He has hurt me many times, but I still want to help him- if only he would accept it. My hand is open but his heart is closed. What I have to offer him (education) can make his life better, but he can't see that and he is choosing a more difficult and less fulfilling life without it.

C will be back in my classroom this year. I have high hopes for him backed up by anguished prayers. This 7th grader with a parole officer desperately needs some support. I hope he sees this year that I am not against him, but rather fighting for him. More than that, I hope someday he sees Jesus in how I love him and realizes how small my support and love for him are in comparison to what Jesus has to offer him. Needless to say, please pray for C. Please pray for me.

... and now, on to a new school year.

who are they?

I'm in Norman, Oklahoma at the New Baptist Covenant. While I am still trying to figure out what the New Baptist Covenant really is, I have enjoyed the discussion about race, religion, and the oppressed. Last night we were privileged to hear testimony from two contemporaries: Hanna Massad, a Palestinian Christian who lives in a "prison without bars" - the Gaza Strip, and Wilford Brown, a Tawakoni Native American who experiences the hidden American life. While I listened to these two men speak about life and expereince, I wrote a small poem baised on thier story.

Who are the oppressed?
They are the invisible;
those who hide from view,
those who hide from hearing.
These are the people living among
people who are hurting,
without voice - without advocacy;
people we see but never notice.
The Palestinian people,
who have been displaced by policy.
The American Indian,
whose lot is with endangered nature.
The victims of domestic violence,
whose shame keeps the blinds drawn.
The working poor,
whose labor makes our luxury possible.
"Whatever you did for the least of these
brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

Burn Notice

There is an irony in going through times in life where individuals or situations "burn"; through the confusion and pain we learn about God and ourselves.

I like to watch the TV show, "Burn Notice". In the show Michael Westen is burned by the CIA and through trying to get his job back he learns of his love for an ex-girlfriend, loyalty of a life long friend, and constant care of a wounded mother. If you've ever seen the show, you'll agree, it's mostly entertaining and not very deep; however the simple plot speaks to the reality of our lives.

I have friends who have been burned by the church - how sad: to be hurt, trampled on, and stabbed by fellow Christians. The only comfort comes in the truth of Psalm 53: "God looks down from heaven on the human race to see if there are any who understand, any who seeks God. Everyone has turned away, all have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one."

But it's the previous Psalm that teaches me today. In Psalm 52 we find words of trust in spite of evil acts committed against us. The faithful are like a luxuriant, productive olive tree; they trust in God's unfailing love (verse 8). In contrast, the evil doors, those who trust in their own wealth, strength, and deceit will be uprooted, made a vagabond, and destroyed like a building (verse 5). Much like Psalm 49, here in 52:7 we find the righteous learn a lesson from the judgments of God. One commentator states: "Those who live and act independently of God, trust in themselves, and better themselves at the expense of others will be brought down … when their riches, houses, and power, are taken away, their lives fall apart."

When Bishop Nikolai Velimirovich spoke courageously against Nazism, he found himself in a concentration camp. It is there he wrote this beautiful hymn:

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Enemies have driven me into your embrace more than friends have.
Friends have bound me to earth, enemies have loosed me from earth and have demolished all my aspirations in the world.
Enemies have made me a stranger in worldly realms and an extraneous inhabitant of the world. Just as a hunted animal finds safer shelter than an unhunted animal does, so have I, persecuted by enemies, found the safest sanctuary, having ensconced myself beneath your tabernacle, where neither friends nor enemies can slay my soul.
Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
They, rather than I, have confessed my sins before the world.
They have punished me, whenever I have hesitated to punish myself.
They have tormented me, whenever I have tried to flee torments.
They have scolded me, whenever I have flattered myself.
They have spat upon me, whenever I have filled myself with arrogance.
Bless my enemies, O Lord, Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Whenever I have made myself wise, they have called me foolish.
Whenever I have made myself mighty, they have mocked me as though I were a dwarf.
Whenever I have wanted to lead people, they have shoved me into the background.
Whenever I have rushed to enrich myself, they have prevented me with an iron hand.
Whenever I thought that I would sleep peacefully, they have wakened me from sleep.
Whenever I have tried to build a home for a long and tranquil life, they have demolished it and driven me out.
Truly, enemies have cut me loose from the world and have stretched out my hands to the hem of your garment.
Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Bless them and multiply them; multiply them and make them even more bitterly against me:
so that my fleeing to You may have no return;
so that all hope in men may be scattered like cobwebs;
so that absolute serenity may begin to reign in my soul;
so that my heart may become the grave of my two evil twins, arrogance and anger;
so that I might amass all my treasure in heaven;
ah, so that I may for once be freed from self-deception, which has entangled me in the dreadful web of illusory life.
Enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself.
One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.
It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies.
Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and enemies.
A slave curses enemies, for he does not understand. But a son blesses them, for he understands.
For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life.
Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them.

So when we find ourselves "burned" like Michael Westen - let us not retaliate in political maneuvers, let us find love for our "enemies", and let us learn from the hurt and confusion.

"The Church"

A reason I've heard for people justifying their disconnection with and repulsion of "the Church" and not wanting to be a part of it is: "I've been burned by 'the Church'."
Unfortunately, I think these victims have been mislead in what "the Church" actually is and my hope to all these lonely souls is that they would realize "the Church" not only is the body of Christ consisting of human believers but also sinful by nature, therefore flawed and bound to screw up. Enter Grace and Forgiveness. (Now would be a good time to read Ray Miller's blog post on said topics inspired by Rachel Getting Married.)
I do not blame anyone who has used this line and must say I identify with you often if this is you. Why be a part of something if this is the representation? (I will refrain from offering examples as I feel this would be unnecessary and hypocritical.) Instead of offering blame; I issue a challenge to both parties and include myself as I find myself on both sides.

Challenge to "the Burned": We all mess up. We all have weak moments, no matter the strength of the weakness. Let us pray that God would remind us of our own weak moments when we are prepared to judge someone else's that we may be humbled enough to forgive their idiocies as they will very soon be forgiving ours. Let us be gracious to each other and quick to offer embrace.

Challenge to "the Church": We are "the Church". We are the representation. It is our responsibility to bring heaven to earth. We do that by loving orphans and widows (James 1:27) and offering our coat when someone asks for our shirt (Matthew 6:40). Heaven happens because we have become less and God becomes greater (John 3:30) through action and thought. These things take choices- mind you, I'm not referring to self deprecation; that is a whole other issue. As "the Church" let us be honest with ourselves and each other that we may see ourselves, each other and God for who we all truly are. Let us be gracious to each other and quick to offer embrace.

In closing, the picture below was taken on my walk this morning and is actually the inspiration for this post. It is a humorous reminder to "the Church" to be honest and reminder to everyone else that "the Church" is made up of humans.